Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda But Glad I Didn’t

“Is your heart still mine? I wanna cry sometimes.” #Aaliyah. Still on that R&B tip. Not for the reason you think though. Sometimes I just need a good sob slow jam to really make me feel alive. I forget that I miss me until I hear a good slow jam and then I be like, DAMN Cat, where you been at girl? Ride for you bae!

Happy Valentine’s Day! It’s so funny, I’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day and never felt salty because of it. I automatically call my best friend whether she’s with someone relationship wise or not and we talk like we usually do and that’s my Valentine’s Day. My birthday is in a few days!!! aaaaand I still haven’t packed for LA. Don’t gimme that judgy face! I’m workin on it!

Ok. What’s the topic for today? Growth, putting myself first, work, youth, fluid sexuality, being misunderstood. etc? Basically, my usual. Well, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ll do the single lady post. bahahahahahaha ohhhhh lord, I couldn’t write that with a straight face. Phew, ok. Get it together Cathy.

I was watching a web series earlier. Lemme give you the setup. So I don’t watch tv, I watch web series’. I go out of my way to find and support monetarily, web series’ done by people of color, mostly queer. The only one that is slowly becoming queer but not based in queerness that I watch is Black & Sexy TV (“It’s Black & Sexy babayyy“) because they’re dopeness. SO, I was watching this web series and that classic moment happens where (Beware: heteronormativity at work) this gorgeous black woman and man are sitting in the kitchen playing cards and the guy turns to her and says “Why are you single? Why don’t you have a man?” and she immediately returns with an answer dripping with basicity. The real answer is, she doesn’t know! So I watch to the end of the episode, turn it off and I’m actually mad at this episode not because of the heteronormativity but because of the realness. About a year ago and a half ago, that was me. I was single and I didn’t know why. The bigger part of me was like, I’m fine! Fuck it! But inside, I was like, “wait, what’s wrong with me.” It took me getting some serious alone time, getting into a heterosexual relationship and out of one for me to realize why I’m not actually “single” in the sense that society is condemning me because I’m unattached. I’m dating the hell out of me and best believe I love it.

I watched another video today by one of my favorite youtubers. In honor of V-day (teeheehee Vagina Day) she did a video devoted to all of her soul mates. She said something that I’ve been thinking for a while. I don’t think there is ONE final “soul mate”. I think there are multiple soul mates that emerge and retreat in my life. I know them and I’m grateful for their presence. Time doesn’t really matter to me. They could be in my life for 2 seconds or 12 years, sex or no sex, they are no less a soul mate by nature of intimate bodily attachment or time. So what makes them a soul mate, you ask?  Well, it’s the connection. One of my soul mates, once said to another one of my soul mates, “How do you deal with her? Isn’t she difficult?”. I think that sparked the beginning of the end of that particular relationship. We’re ALL difficult. We’re human and messy and complicated and I’ve never “dealt” with someone. I’ve learned from them and I’ve been lucky and grateful to do so. I don’t think enough people actually realize the danger in replacement. Replacing people consistently so that I don’t have to be alone to discover me. Yo…discover you. Be salty as hell on Valentine’s Day. Have meaningless and meaningful sex. Meet your soul mates and just let them teach you. To my soul mates, should you ever read this blog, thank you. But lemme back space.

I grew up in a single parent household, heterosexuality was assumed and nothing else was talked about. Most of my other cousins had boyfriends growing up and I always felt like people knew I was queer and were somehow ashamed. Didn’t talk about it, just always kinda subtly pointed out that I didn’t have a visible partner like that was unusual. Mind you, just because I didn’t have a visible partner, didn’t mean I didn’t have one or two. I was a REALLY sexual and sensual child. I was always rubbing on things, rubbing myself till orgasm. I was always touching both myself and other people. No one ever talked to me saying that it was normal and perfectly okay as long as you talk to the other person about how they feel, so I grew to be ashamed of it. I was and am still to this day a really tactile person. I LIVE for hugs and physical affection. As a young pre-teen, I experienced sexual abuse which changed things. I became sexual really quickly. Of course, black community in church surrounding me, I didn’t tell anyone. I kept it to myself always. I went to the purity conventions and just sat with my mouth wired shut tighter than Kanye’s Through the Wire. No one asked, so I never told. The older I get, the more I realize that so many people are soooooo concerned with what’s on the outside. If you look good, then that’s good right? If you seem to be doing well, then that’s all that matters, right?

I’ll admit, I’m young and stupid. I know pretty much nothing in the grand scheme of living and experiencing. I’m learning. I’m gonna make so many more mistakes. But being “Single” for the past five or so months has actually been amazing. It’s sucked, it’s made me cry, it’s made me grow, it’s made me realize what and who I actually do want in my space. I always think I know what I want. I’ll say to myself, “I want a relationship with a person who identifies as a woman” but then the universe challenges me, like “are you sure that’s what you want?”. So maybe I have no idea, maybe I do have an idea. Who knows?

Marriage? I am in NO WAY ready to get married. So many of the people in my age group, friends, relatives, etc, are getting married and I’m over here like “Chocolate Icing for dinner?” I don’t understand it. We’re so young with so much to do. Is marriage a reality because that’s what we’ve been told to want or because we actually genuinely want it? I’m not ready. I don’t really know me yet. I have an idea of the woman that I want to be but I have zero idea of how I’m going to get there. Have you ever missed a memory and if you could go back to that specific memory, you would, but you wouldn’t change anything? I’ve been having a lot of that recently. Thinking over the last few months. I have so many learning mistakes and memories. How did so much get jam packed into one year? Sometimes I want to go back to them but then sometimes, I’m so sparked by what could happen next.


Peace, love and tons of Valentine’s half off candy!

Cathy Xo

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