Hello Blogosphere! I am sitting in a Starbucks in LA writing this and as I do, I chuckle to myself. A few months ago, I would’ve been so embarrassed to write this. I would’ve dimmed the screen and made sure that no one could see it. But the me I am now is like, “That’s right I’m writing about finding myself sexy! And WHAT?!”
Okay, on to the topic at hand. A few months ago, I decided to promise to myself that I would only have sex with a person that I allowed to make love to my mind completely before ever getting my clothes off my body. So it’s been a dry few months. Call it what you will, celibacy, abstaining, etc. I call it Sex with Self, because really, I’m not going without and the energy I would’ve put into “gettin some” has transferred to my art, so I am making SO much art ova here!
I decided to focus on sex with myself, mostly because I’d always had a hard time finding myself sexy. I always have been, I just didn’t embrace it in myself. I have a very earthy drop in energy about myself despite being an Aquarius-Pisces. I notice that either people drop in with my energy or they get the heck away. I don’t take offense either way, but I was curious about how this transferred to my sex life and view of myself as a sexual being. I’ve said it before but I was a very sexual and sensual child. I wanted to use all of my senses to experience the world. Well, how do we incorporate that into how we use sex? Physical Sex is very base. It comes from a physical urge to mate and procreate and yea connect on a deeper level, but if we choose to honor the urge, the act can be pretty empty and purely physical. But within that is an exchange of energy, emotions and joining. Condoms protect against a lot, but not that, so how do we make sure our energy stays clean? How do we maintain who we are? Can that same energy be turned around and used on myself for my own sensual and sexual pleasure? I’m way more interested in the spiritual, emotional and psychological benefit to sexual energy that is channeled toward my own growth and exploration.
I’ve been taking a lot of time to find the answers for myself. As a young black girl, growing up with an older brother, I was always taught to be less aggressive, to make myself smaller and yet all I wanted was to be like my brother and not at all like my mother. When I would openly scratch my vagina because things get itchy, especially during puberty, there was always the moment of “Don’t do that.”But my brother could do what he wanted. Yet, my house was a matriarchy. Sometimes I think that my mother and I put ourselves in a prison that we didn’t have to live in. A prison of unattainable “femininity” and “purity”. Exploring myself sexually with other people seemed only rational, especially post sexual assault. But the part of reclaiming my energy is mine and mine alone. Sexual energy is powerful. Why did I give it up without learning to wield it myself first? In wielding it, why not focus on all the areas. How am I connecting to myself spiritually? How do I feel emotionally as I break down and build up my sexual nature? Lately, I’ve been getting to know my body and my soul so very intimately and loving what I discover because I am a maze that I want to learn my entire way through, backwards and forwards. Masturbation is liberty and so definitely not death. Abstaining completely is the same as well. What works one week, may not work the next and vice versa. At the same time, my sense of style is completely changing, and I welcome it. What feels good to my body is what gets worn. What fabrics make me feel what? How does it feel to wear a skirt with nothing underneath, for no one but myself? How does it feel to sit and just discover my breathing? What do my dreams tell me? How does the sexual energy express itself throughout my entire existence without limits? If I don’t want to uncover and explore my own existence, why would anyone else?
The other day, I sat in yet another Starbucks with a friend of mine and we interviewed each other and recorded it on voice memos. One of the questions he asked me had to do with what I’ve been really marinating on for the past month. Instantly, I knew what this weeks blog post would be about. There certainly aren’t enough black women voices telling us that it’s more than okay to find yourself sexually with yourself and for me, that’s been my main focus. I am sexy. I exude sexual energy for myself and myself alone before I share it with anyone else. I enjoy my sexuality. Take that as you will. I hope that you enjoy yours too.