Well hey there Speakers! Wow. It has been such a time. This blog started in 2015/16 as a way to work through a breakup and to understand more of myself as an artist, a queer person of color and to see what the buzz of the blogging world was all about. Here I am, the end of 2017, beginning of 2018 a few days into Capricorn in Saturn and well, I feel like I’m exploring my power, my purpose and my selfhood.
So much of this year was turbulent with everything for me. I went through a lot of trauma, unpacked some trauma, and really started to look at myself, my life and my goals with honesty. “What is it that I want to do?”, I kept asking myself and I was continually met with blessings from the world around me. Everything would lead back to me. No matter how many times I attempted to collaborate with others, it would always fall through. “What if I cant do it all? How do I focus this?” I asked once again, this time with more specifics and well, the world seemed to have an answer for that too. I released some music, which you can find here on the blog in the menus section, and I started to think seriously about a podcast.
I am so happy and excited to announce In Search of My Own Gardens as more than just a blog space, but a podcast space as well, encouraging the work and artistry of black and brown QTPOC. I’m currently looking for more artists to share the space with as guests, so for submissions, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
But really, the last two years were spent doing a lot of inner work, thinking and wishing and trying to plan but somehow failing. Putting others ahead of myself led to financial debt as well as personal and spiritual debt. Isn’t that what the narrative of the womxn in my family has been? Always pushing and never stopping and somehow trying to find a way on top of it all. So how could I do what they’d never done? How could I branch out and trust in myself enough to know when I need rest and time and space to myself? It’s all a journey. That’s why In Search of My Own Gardens is just that…a search. Sometimes plants in the garden wilt, sometimes they die and I have to replant, sometimes they just need some water, sunlight and love and they pop back from the brink of death, other times they flourish all on their own and expose a whole new way of viewing the world that I had never even thought of.
As a person who does real healing work and likes to pay attention to astrological information, I found that Capricorn has entered Saturn, giving us a new energy. This energy is that of movement and grounding at the same time. Saturn forces you to make a decision, to say no and to clock your own progression, while Capricorn is the sign that I say “either fucks with you or they don’t”. Truthful to a fault, Capricorn is steady, reliable and will ride for their beliefs hard body. Taking advantage of this time means taking yourself and your work seriously. Get that grant, write that play, get that raise, open up that saving account and put stuff in it!
Life isn’t always black and white as I want it to be. I was on the phone with one of my very best friends and close sister and we talked about re-evaluating our circle. Neither of us have big circles of people but the people that we do have are our roots. What happens when I realize that maybe the relationship that used to be stable and fulfilling, isn’t so much of that anymore? How do I gracefully handle moving on? I’d spent most of my life thus far being around a lot of energy that made me fight to protect my weird. But, not every moment is a fight. So much of my existence as a black/brown queer womxn is a fight. Did I know how to live as anything else?
Life is motion. One moment passes and leads to a day, a day leads to a year, a year leads to a decade, a century, etc. The passage of time is one of the many ways that I know that I’m indeed alive and living. Not everyone will like and support you. Is that okay with you? I’m learning that being “liked” isn’t really of as much value as I once wanted it to be. My work is more or less that sustains me and as long as I have those tight knit relationships as I learn boundaries and honesty and true love, I’m all right.
The thing that I found about myself that was the most challenging was letting myself be all right. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and in doing so was dooming myself to be constantly let down and unfulfilled and constantly warring with some thing. But why? Am I not worthy of the beauty of a successful and calm existence? Maybe it really was my light and not my darkness. So let’s banish that view. Let’s celebrate our triumphs, speak our truths and continue to represent and create. Be whole. Be human. Be everything you need to be to be balanced.